The Once Upon A Times

South American crocodile swims to Saugus River where it finds its way into the plumbing system ands bites the bottom of 8-year-old Brian Brewster. Brian then became infected with a rare case of Chilean Rabies.

“I didn’t tell anyone because I wanted to go on the school field trip to the New England Aquarium the next day.” Brian tearfully explains. While on the field trip Brian unknowingly spread the infection by taking part in the “Kiss the Dolphin” exhibit which

ignited an outbreak of Chilean Rabies throughout the aquarium. “I’ve never seen anything like it, penguins puking, sea otters foaming at the mouth. It’s madness!” Tom Robinson, age 52, an investigative policeman exclaims.

The New England Aquarium is currently under quarantine until rare antibiotics are shipped from a remote village in Chile. We were able to get an exclusive interview with one of the New England Aquarium employees trapped inside the biohazard prison.

“I was just getting a cup of coffee when the entire building broke out in chaos.”

Phil Conoly, the owner of the New England Aquarium, is putting out a restraining order against little Brian as we speak. Brian has recently issued a formal apology to all affected by the outbreak, saying that he promised never to kiss another dolphin.

It hadn’t been done for 2000 years, but Fernando Braz was determined to change that. “They told me I’d drown,” said the former Peabody High track coach, “but I did it anyway.” And Braz didn’t drown – the lightning hit him first.

As he sat contented on his bed at Beverly Hospital, he wondered aloud, “Why did they make me come here?” As I spoke with him, he seemed completely unphased by the whole situation.

Braz taught himself to walk on water at a very young age. “When you run 40 miles per day, you start to get bored with dry land,” he says.

Since college (Braz was a graduate of BC in 1984), the miraculous man made a habit of trans-Atlantic strolls. That’s not all – Braz weighs in at a hefty 400 lbs.

“The weight isn’t a problem if you didn’t think about it,” explains Braz, who has long since given up his 40 mile runs for more relaxed promenades across large bodies of water.

Braz, who still resides in Peabody, is described as “eccentric” by most of the locals, who generally respond to his monthly treks with a sigh of “There he goes again.”

The lightning strike will be only a minor setback for Braz, who has already made a full recovery and is eager to resume his hobby.

The last twenty years of havoc created by Rico Sutton were proven costly on Tuesday. Sutton has always been a candy thief. His victims: infants.

Rico Sutton has been stealing candy from babies since 1984. “Stealing candy from a baby is an easy task, and very fulfilling,” Sutton described his hateful job. But Tuesday, all this changed.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007, at 12:30 PM, at the Children are Our Future Daycare Center, a riot broke out. As fiend Rico Sutton attempted to steal a rainbow-colored big lollipop from Thor, the most feared baby at the center, the bulk baby retaliated.

Thor, 3, works out at his home gym each day and was easily the favorite in this tussle.

He quickly snapped Sutton’s elbow in a painful karate style assault. The teacher, Miss Sally, had to intervene and break up the fight as she put in Thor’s Mega-Binky.

After police came, Sutton was asked about the awful event. “That was one nasty baby; I’m definitely not going to steal from babies again.” This event showed Sutton to pick on someone his own size.

Local cook looses thumb in an epic fight with own edible creation. Instead of reporting incident to the government, he decides to make money by contacting a local KFC.

The bloody, spicy spatula lay on the floor as the colonel’s face drives off a truck back.

“I knocked bottles of spice into my chili mix,” says the local 34-year-old cook who prefers to be called “Patches.”

“I looked into the pot hoping I could save my meal when boiling blood shot at my face.”

Patches barely had time to wipe the burning fluids from his eyes when the food began to attack. “A form raised out of the pot, almost human like, but bigger.”

The gelatinous giant opened all the drawers in the room sweeping through each one and acquiring any and all sharpened silverware.

“The chest opened up,” says Patches, “and the knives were protruding out.”

Face to face with an Iron Maiden-like corpse, Patches grabbed anything he could find. He threw a folding table into the belly of the beast and it closed like a Venus flytrap. The beast shot out the table that was now full of knives.

“All it was now was a beefy-beast. I began to hack it to bits, flinging the chunks to different sections of the room.”

Patches plans obviously worked. The pieces stayed down slightly grumbling.”

“What was I to do? Who’d believe me? I didn’t care who did I just wanted the remains out of my home.”

With inspiration from the Wendy’s incident with a thumb in the chili, Patches called the local KFC and settled on a price for the slain remains.

Austrian Idol reject, Jens Dihgs, 19, was desperate after the judges told him he wouldn’t last a minute in the music industry.

“They said I’d never be the next Mozart, but they didn’t say ‘Beethoven.’”

In desperation, Dihgs dug up the cadaver of Ludwig and chopped up the limbs at his house in Vienna. Adding batter and frosting to the composer’s remains, Jens feasted on large helpings of cartilage cupcakes.

After eating his tasty treats of death, the teen idol believed he gained Beethoven’s musical genius.

“I’m going to try my luck again in the states. You’re looking at the next American Idol.”

While at the Marc Jacob’s show during Fashion Week in New York City this past Monday, Janet had yet another mishap. This time however it was not on purpose. Our inside sources tell us that Janet and our famous “Ms. Paris Hilton” had a rift behind the scenes of the show. According to a witness, the heiress overheard Janet ridiculing her signature saying, “That’s Hot!”

Jackson, on the other hand, claims that she was warning her daughter not to touch the stylist’s hair straightener because it was hot.

Regardless of who was right or wrong, Paris was offended.

The altercation did not fade away and when Jackson stepped on the stage modeling a loose fitting turtleneck and sweatpants from the Spring 2008 collection, Ms. Hilton was not far behind. To the shock of the crowd, Paris yanked down Janet’s pants.

Surprisingly, Janet did not pull back up her pants but rather dropkicked Paris in the face.

The fistfight did not cease until the guards pulled the two away from each other.

Currently, both sides have pressed charges and Paris’ alcohol consumption is under question. As of right now, there is no word whether Paris will face yet another jail sentence. There is a court procedure scheduled on November 29th regarding the dispute.

After giving birth to Mutant goat-boy, mother Rose Dawson finds herself in a dilemma when her mutant goat-boy begins gnawing at the foundations of their suburban home and everything in it.

“I don’t know how it happened,” Rose says to local reporter. “We tried locking him up, but he ate right through the cage!”

Neighbors complain about the loud grinding noises that keep them up at night. One night when neighbor Earl came over to investigate, he was greeted and then devoured by the hideous goat-boy.

Goat-boy was then taken in for government research, where he remained for three days before escaping. A representative of the “Institute for Paranormal Research” claims that when let into his holding pen, he killed two guards before disappearing without a trace.

The damage goat-boy has caused will not be soon forgotten.

His Colorado home collapsed due to its weak, half-eaten foundation, leaving his parents homeless in the harsh winter months.

“We can only hope our mutant son is safe out there,” says Tom, Rose’s husband of twenty years. “He is still our son.”

Several people claiming to have seen the goat-boy have been proven false. Neighbors say it’s a blessing that goat-boy is gone. “Finally I can sleep safe,” says neighbor Fred Cavanaugh. “Good riddance.”

Tom and Rose can only hope to start a new goat-boy free life.

Last Wednesday, 47-year-old local Boston, Mass. Hobo, Larry, was out with his best friends (Bob, 40, and Kenny, 37) drinking at the local bar, Sam’s Looneyville Paradise.

When they got out of the bar around 1 AM, all of them were so drunk that they didn’t know what was happening. Larry began to stumble and tripped and both Bob and Kenny began laughing at Larry thinking he was on the ground.

When they stopped laughing they realized Larry was flying around them. In an interview with Larry he explained to us how it happened and how it felt to fly.

“Since the moment I began to fall, I felt time begin to slow down. I saw my face heading straight to the ground so I decided to move my arms up and down like a bird, not really thinking that I would fly, but to my amazement I began lifting up into the air!”

We also talked to Bob to find out what their reaction was to seeing Larry fly. “I really couldn’t believe what I was seeing and I’m sure Kenny couldn’t either. Since the moment I saw him flying I kind of wasn’t drunk anymore. I was actually surprised.”

We’ve talked to Larry and found out that he’s been doing some shows around New England and has actually won some money. He has gone to Alcoholics Anonymous to give up drinking.

A new dating trend has swept through the globe; a new generation of lovely robots are taking over people’s hearts.

A new dating website has made a heck of money out of the business in finding the perfect robot lover for their members. “Our company’s success has proved that nothing is impossible,” said Robot Dating Company spokesman Roger Robot. “Successful marriages between our robots and members has revealed a new trend of marriage life.”

“I have never been so happy every in my life,” said Robbert Rock, the richest man in the world, also a member of the Robot Dating Website, who just got engaged with his robot girlfriend Rachel.

“I was once really depressed for can’t find the perfect soul mate for my life. Everyone thinks that I’m the happiest man on earth because I am rich. But in reality, I was really depressed. However, my life has changed totally now. One of my friends introduced the newly topical dating website to me. With their help, I met Rachel. Now, here we are living happily ever after,” hugging his girlfriend next to him.

However, this new trend causes lots of controversies. Ray R. in Virginia just sued the company for his divorce with his wife. “I think this kind of dating trend is ridiculous,” said Ray, “if this kind of dating website continues to prevail in society, it is going to cause a lot of chaos, so we gotta stop it.”

When this unusual phenomenon appears in America, our reporter visited the psychologist Robbie Raymond in Boston Hospital. “This is probably caused by the distrust between humans.”

The fat man behind the counter turned white as he watched J.C. walk into his store, purchase a slurpee, slam the $1.49 on the counter, and with a long draw of his slurpee and a sigh of relief, he was gone. No, I’m not talking about J.C. Chazez of the Backstreet Boys, but Jesus Christ, god’s only son.

“I used to be a devout Hindu, but Shiva never bought anything from my store,” says the clerk, identified only as Sonny. “But still, never have I seen such abuse of the take a penny leave a penny tray.”

A bystander outside the store, identified as Jay Coughlin, says Jesus spoke to him outside the store. “I was like, ‘You drinkin’ tonight?’ and Jesus turned to me and said, "'As a matter of fact, I am.'” Jay was left speechless.

“I always believed in higher power, so I guess seeing Jesus really hit the nail on the head, and when God himself pulled up in a 1976 Mustang Convertible, Jay only felt one emotion.

“Serenity,” replied Jay.

At this hour, a massive fire sweeps the streets of Washington, D.C. “I saw the fire and ran,” says survivor, Mary Johnson, “I didn’t want to die.” As terrifying as this ordeal came about, it was not all unexpected. Barbara Cunnings, 8, previously “envisioned” this tragedy.

“I saw fire everywhere!” says Barbara.

Police reported the fire was the result of an attempted assassination on President Bush. “We came across an unknown substance in an envelope near a candle in the President’s home,” recalls Deputy Tim Roberts. After the fire erupted, the President’s life was spared. However, his lovely wife, Laura, and cabinet unfortunately perished.

Seconds following, the fire engulfed the house and spread to the streets. President Bush refuses to comment further on the matter.

“It is an overwhelming day for America,” states Deputy Roberts. “Let’s just hope the fire does not kill any more people.”

Firefighters from across the nation are banding together to try to contain the death toll.